Monday, September 13, 2010

Government- Run Facebook

The next time you're irritated by Facebook or Mark Zuckerberg just remember it could be worse, the Federal government could be running it. It could have happened something like this...

After considerable debate, Congress passes the Universal Facebook Act of 2010 and Facebook.gov is launched.

Obama goes golfing. Biden announces that Bush deserves the credit.

Initially, participation in Facebook.gov is voluntary but quickly becomes compulsory as the Feds realize that some Americans, fearing a loss of privacy, are opting out of Facebook.

The Tweet Party is born.

In a rare Oval Office address to the nation, Obama announces the creation of the Department of Facebook Security (FBS) to oversee the daily operations of Facebook.gov. No one watches.

Congress passes the No Facebook Left Behind Act (NFLB Act) requiring all users over the age of five to log on to Facebook.gov every day and write "present" as their status. ( The Amish are exempt.)

Users who fail to post "present" for three consecutive days receive a comment on their wall from a truancy offer with the Department of FBS. Three unexcused absences requires the user to do 100 hours of community service and "like" the IRS.

Hidden within the NFLB Act is a provision allowing all government workers to take a mandatory one-hour Facebook break every half-hour. (Obama is exempt.)

Obama goes golfing. Biden is excited because he finally has something to do and logs on to Facebook.gov.

The American Facebook Liberty Union (AFLU) files a lawsuit against the Department of FBS citing separation of church and state after reading a religious status on SpunkyHomeschool praising God for the right to home educate.

Spunky -vs- AFLU goes all the way to the Supreme Court of the United States.

In a landmark decision, the court decides against Spunky and all Christian language and symbols are purged from Facebook.gov.

Obama goes golfing. Biden "likes" Sarah Palin and becomes mayor of YoVille.

In protest, the Tweet Party hosts a "Restore the Wall" march on DC. Palin, Beck, and Spunky update their status with the words "In God We Trust" in front of the Capitol Building.

Instantly, millions of users copy and paste "In God We Trust" as their own status, temporarily shutting down Facebook.gov.

Sensing a threat to her status, Nancy Pelosi forces Congress into an emergency session to pass the Facebook Neutrality Act (more widely known as the Palin Pill) limiting all users to a 100 friends max at and no more than 20 comments per post. (Biden is exempt)

Obama goes golfing. Biden accepts a friend request from Paris Hilton but ignores Hillary Clinton.

First lady, Michelle Obama, launches "Operation Mini-Feed" against Facebook induced obesity and requires all Facebook users to post their BMI monthly to insure that users are getting enough exercise and not just sitting on Facebook all day drinking lattes.

Anyone attempting to deactivate their Facebook.gov account receives an unannounced home visit by the FBBI (Facebook Bureau of Intelligence) demanding they friend Joe Biden and watch a video of Obama giving a two-hour speech before the Counsel of Facebook Relations.

Unexpectedly, illegal users begin to cross the wi-fi border and log on to Facebook.gov. The Department of FBS requires all statuses to be written in English and Spanish..

Frustrated Facebook.gov users update "No Comprendo" and refuse to "friend" the illegals.

The Department of FBS is eventually forced to admit that the Facebook.gov servers cannot handle the influx of new users but staunchly refuses to secure the wi-fi border with a firewall and deactivate all illegal users.

Obama goes golfing. Biden "likes" Rush Limbaugh's wedding photos and wonders if SwagBucks are considered taxable income.

Congress revises NFLB adding a provision requiring all Facebook.gov users over the age of 40 to appear before a Facebook Deactivation Panel that decides which users are allowed to remain active. All users over the age of 50 are immediately deactivated.

Obama goes golfing. Biden's Facebook.gov account has been deactivated.

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