Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Uncle Sam, Hear Me Roar!

(In order for this entry to make any sense, you should read this one first; with a nod to Shawn Abigail for giving us the male point of view and Ms. Trixie for finally convincing me that the state is the most loving provider there is. )

Dear Uncle Sam,

I know you're busy with a war and all, so I'll try to be quick about this and get right to the point. Seems as though the AFL-CIO is asking working women what they want from you. So I thought, "Well shoot, if they get to ask, why can't I?" You've already gotten Leslie's letter, so here's mine,

American politicans, hear me roar.

As a woman, I want to --need to-- stay home with my family and homeschool. It's for my sanity, my children's safety (have you been in a public school lately?), and a way to give back to my country. After all, if I do this right, my kids will one day be workers in the global economy and the providers of everyone's social security checks. But in order to max out my abilities as a mom over the course of my lifetime, I need a few things:

1. A fifteeen passenger van is an absolute necessity. Any color but white will do. White looks terrible on the road in a Michigan winter. (Image is everything you know, self esteem is important.) A gas card would be a real help. Just because my van gets 15 miles per gallon less shouldn't mean I have to foot the whole bill. And if it had one of those state-of-the-art OnStar devices, that would round out the package very nicely. (And you'd be able to know where I was at all times. What a bonus!)

2. A high quality park near every Starbucks. This is really a no brainer. They seem to put most Starbucks near major roads and highways. What are they thinking? That only caters to busy working moms on the go. How am I supposed to relax, enjoy my coffee and watch my children play while cars are whizzing by at 50 mph? For the sake of my sanity and my children's safety, this is a must!

3. A Constitutional amendment protecting my right to have as many children as I want free from the unsolicited comments. It's downright insulting the way most women treat a pregnant woman who has more than 2 children anymore. Complete strangers think nothing of walking up and asking, "Don't you know what causes that?" or "Are you done yet?" Why this doesn't already qualify as hate speech is beyond me. Some countries have already gone so far as to limit the number of children. (I think the UN has something to do with that one. ) Please Uncle Sam, save me from these intolerant people! And while you're at it, can you do something about the latest maternity fashions? Mercy, there oughta be a law against all those bulging bare bellies!

4. A subliminal propoganda campaign, letting women know they can be happy and fulfilled as the wife to one man and the mother of many children. In an effort to control wasteful government spending, I'd be happy with something simple like mandated, nightly, prime time reruns of Leave It To Beaver or Little House On the Prairie on every channel. The positive messages and role models will go along way to ease the tensions between working and stay at home women across the nation.

There are a few more things, but I really don't want to presume too much on the generosity of the American people. After all it is their money. And these poor women who choose to work shouldn't have to sacrifice their hard earned cash to support my ridiculous decision stay home and raise my own children. (How unfulfilling, they say!) I don't want to create any ill will by forcing them to pay for things that aren't really necessary, so I'll stop here.

Thank you for your time, Uncle Sam. I know your a busy man, but never too busy for me.

Love your favorite niece,

So what would you like to ask for? Better yet, tell the AFL-CIO.

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